Lost it

I went to the hospital because I couldn't stand the pain. They though it was an ectopic pregnancy. The worst of all was the echography and the doctor forgetting to rurn off the sound. I heard the baby's heart... Auwfully slow for a baby. I cried a little. Didn't think I would. Everything was getting set for the removal but I just lost it. It's better. Stupidly I feel less guilty. The father wasn't there because I asked him not to be, saying my parents were gonna be with me. He is too sensitive. But when he called, I told him, I wasn't able to shut up. He sounded terribly bad.
When I saw him later, he held me in his arms ans asked me what are we gonna do. I told him if he really wants, we can try to go off drugs and pills, try to be clean, but I also told him I think It's gonna be real hard for me. He looked sad and he told me there's no life he can offer a kid anyway. We kissed and hed for a long time.

We're waiting for the new echography and the date for the "therapeutic abortion". We know we can't have this child, but it hurts not to, anyway. We've talked about the future. We know we're not gonna let down the coke, nor the pills, so it's not like we're going to have a baby. My partner says he is afraid taht I get bored of him. I just wish we die together, so fucked up we can't even see it coming.

I'm pregnant

I was pretty sure I wasn't. I made the complete blood tests because I was feeling tired, and every day weaker. But when I has the results, before yesterday, it was positive on pregnancy.
I was bleeding a lot though. They had me make an echography, and nothing was clear. Either I had had a loss, or the "product" was too little to be seen. Can't have a child now, I need too many antidepressants, anxiolitics and sleeping pills just to have a normal day. Plus the illegal drugs. BUt at the same time, I feel so sorry for this baby hanging on so hard to life... He or she didn't care about the IUD, nor the drugs to be there. They told me I'll have another echography next week. Don't know what to do... My friend wants us to stop on illegal drugs. Too late. He says at leats I shouldn't shoot me twice a day. What the heck's gonna change right now?